1
00:00:03,202 --> 00:00:07,105
[♪]
2
00:01:09,902 --> 00:01:10,969
[door slams]
3
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:18,109
Announcer [over tv]:
And coming up
tomorrow on oprah,
4
00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:19,811
Sugar coma:
5
00:01:19,812 --> 00:01:23,715
Is it killing
productivity in the home?
6
00:01:40,933 --> 00:01:42,633
Aw, peg, are you
all worn down
7
00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:46,537
From cooking and
scrubbing and cleaning?
8
00:01:46,538 --> 00:01:50,975
Making this house
the palace that it is?
9
00:01:50,976 --> 00:01:52,510
You know,
you're amazing.
10
00:01:52,511 --> 00:01:53,945
I just can't
get over you.
11
00:01:53,946 --> 00:01:55,814
How do you do it?
12
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:00,685
Honey, you always wanted
to go to europe.
13
00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:02,687
What do you say
I put you in a box
14
00:02:02,688 --> 00:02:04,355
And ship you overseas?
15
00:02:04,356 --> 00:02:05,757
Come on, my little
death certificate,
16
00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:07,458
What do you say?
17
00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:13,131
Oh, mom, I had
the most horrible dream.
18
00:02:13,132 --> 00:02:15,299
I was married
to a shoe salesman,
19
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,467
And we lived...
20
00:02:18,570 --> 00:02:19,804
[screams]
21
00:02:23,308 --> 00:02:24,175
It's true!
22
00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:26,377
Oh.
23
00:02:26,378 --> 00:02:28,246
Hi, honey.
24
00:02:28,247 --> 00:02:29,981
I was just
dreaming about you.
25
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:32,416
Were you in it, or was
I having a good time?
26
00:02:34,553 --> 00:02:36,020
Ah, kids, I hardly
ever say this,
27
00:02:36,021 --> 00:02:37,822
But it's good
to see you.
28
00:02:37,823 --> 00:02:39,224
I got something
I gotta tell you.
29
00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:40,691
Oh, please.
30
00:02:40,692 --> 00:02:42,493
This isn't going to be
another one of those
31
00:02:42,494 --> 00:02:45,296
"there's only enough food
for three" lectures, is it?
32
00:02:45,297 --> 00:02:47,031
No, it's not that.
33
00:02:47,032 --> 00:02:48,032
I want everybody to know
34
00:02:48,033 --> 00:02:49,234
That they have
a security guard
35
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:50,969
Patrolling the wishing well
around the mall,
36
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:53,037
So money will be a little
tight for a while.
37
00:02:55,908 --> 00:02:57,275
Until old dad
38
00:02:57,276 --> 00:02:59,377
Learns how to jimmy
those pay phones.
39
00:02:59,378 --> 00:03:00,245
Everybody understand?
40
00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,816
Well, good, good.
That's good.
41
00:03:07,552 --> 00:03:08,987
Bud,
take your jacket.
42
00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:10,121
I don't have one.
43
00:03:10,122 --> 00:03:11,722
What do you mean
you don't have one?
44
00:03:11,723 --> 00:03:13,124
I just bought you one
last week.
45
00:03:13,125 --> 00:03:14,325
I guess
I left it somewhere.
46
00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:15,459
You don't
leave a jacket.
47
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,828
You leave your hopes,
your dreams,
48
00:03:16,829 --> 00:03:18,462
If you're lucky,
your family,
49
00:03:18,463 --> 00:03:20,598
But you gotta take care
of your jacket.
50
00:03:20,599 --> 00:03:22,633
Al, just get him
another jacket.
51
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:23,734
Well, excuse me,
52
00:03:23,735 --> 00:03:26,470
Miss why-don't-I-
get-a-w-2-form?
53
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:30,942
Now, kids, sit down.
54
00:03:30,943 --> 00:03:32,543
How are you ever going
to learn responsibility?
55
00:03:32,544 --> 00:03:34,745
Do you know what
I had to do as a kid
56
00:03:34,746 --> 00:03:36,147
To earn money
to get a jacket?
57
00:03:36,148 --> 00:03:38,516
I had to shovel coal,
carry ice,
58
00:03:38,517 --> 00:03:40,584
Dig ditches, pump gas--
59
00:03:40,585 --> 00:03:42,153
♪ nobody knows ♪
60
00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:43,955
♪ the trouble
he's seen ♪
61
00:03:43,956 --> 00:03:46,958
♪ nobody knows his sorrow ♪
62
00:03:46,959 --> 00:03:50,628
Thank you very much,
bundy glee club.
63
00:03:50,629 --> 00:03:53,298
Oh, and by the way,
peg, way to parent.
64
00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:55,200
How much
is a jacket?
65
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:56,600
Sixty dollars.
Sixty dollars.
66
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:59,670
You know how much a jacket was
when I was a kid?
67
00:03:59,671 --> 00:04:03,007
♪ nobody knows
the trouble he's seen ♪
68
00:04:03,008 --> 00:04:06,477
Okay, okay, okay.
Here you go.
69
00:04:06,478 --> 00:04:07,645
Enjoy.
70
00:04:07,646 --> 00:04:09,547
Oh, and peg,
don't bother chipping in,
71
00:04:09,548 --> 00:04:11,282
Because you do so much
around here already.
72
00:04:11,283 --> 00:04:12,884
Right now, just try
to keep the couch
73
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,219
From hitting the ceiling.
74
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,020
Thanks, dad.
75
00:04:16,021 --> 00:04:17,121
Yeah, right.
Hey, listen.
76
00:04:17,122 --> 00:04:18,122
Next time,
don't lose that--
77
00:04:18,123 --> 00:04:19,290
Ah, who cares?
78
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,095
You know, it's amazing.
Kelly's the good one now.
79
00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:27,698
She comes home with new clothes,
but she never asks for money.
80
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:30,468
Thank you, princess,
for taking care of your stuff.
81
00:04:33,305 --> 00:04:34,505
Oh, mom,
I need a favor.
82
00:04:34,506 --> 00:04:35,874
Oh, anything, honey.
83
00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:37,708
As long as
I don't have to get up.
84
00:04:37,709 --> 00:04:40,644
No, tomorrow's mother-daughter
career day at school,
85
00:04:40,645 --> 00:04:41,712
And some of the moms
86
00:04:41,713 --> 00:04:43,114
Are gonna talk
about what they do,
87
00:04:43,115 --> 00:04:44,482
So I volunteered you
for refreshments,
88
00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:45,850
And I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.
89
00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:50,321
Eight hundred cookies
by tomorrow?
90
00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:51,555
Why didn't you
tell me before?
91
00:04:51,556 --> 00:04:53,958
Hey, they only told me
about it two weeks ago.
92
00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:58,496
Eight hundred cookies.
93
00:04:58,497 --> 00:04:59,663
Let's see.
94
00:04:59,664 --> 00:05:02,433
Eighty cents a cookie...
95
00:05:02,434 --> 00:05:06,237
Al, I need
a thousand dollars.
96
00:05:06,238 --> 00:05:07,805
A thousand dollars?
That's no problem.
97
00:05:07,806 --> 00:05:10,541
You got change
for a million?
98
00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:11,776
Come on, al.
99
00:05:11,777 --> 00:05:13,144
I need money.
100
00:05:13,145 --> 00:05:14,879
I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.
101
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:15,880
What am I gonna do?
102
00:05:15,881 --> 00:05:18,582
Mm, cookies.
Dilemma, dilemma.
103
00:05:18,583 --> 00:05:20,385
Well, let's see how others
may have handled this.
104
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,852
I remember reading
one time,
105
00:05:21,853 --> 00:05:23,354
I believe it was
the enquirer,
106
00:05:23,355 --> 00:05:24,889
Yes,
I recall the headline.
107
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:28,026
"woman bakes cookies,
odd but true."
108
00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:29,593
Was that
the same issue
109
00:05:29,594 --> 00:05:33,431
Where a man
had sex with his wife?
110
00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:35,066
Yeah, if you read
real careful,
111
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,935
I believe it was the woman
who baked the cookies.
112
00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:43,507
[sobbing]
113
00:05:55,654 --> 00:05:57,555
Miss, have you
seen my mom?
114
00:06:00,292 --> 00:06:01,259
It's me, bud.
115
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,162
But you're...
116
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:05,196
You're...
117
00:06:05,197 --> 00:06:06,464
Cooking.
118
00:06:06,465 --> 00:06:08,833
[sobs]
119
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:10,668
Yes, bud.
120
00:06:10,669 --> 00:06:12,603
But it's not
for us, right?
121
00:06:12,604 --> 00:06:14,572
Oh, no.
I wouldn't do that.
122
00:06:17,176 --> 00:06:18,209
Good.
123
00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:19,743
Can I have
some money?
124
00:06:19,744 --> 00:06:21,679
You know where
we keep it.
125
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:22,580
Right, mom.
126
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:40,331
Hi, dad.
127
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,102
Would it help everybody
if I just slept like this?
128
00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:48,572
It's an investment,
dad.
129
00:06:48,573 --> 00:06:49,840
Now, listen.
130
00:06:49,841 --> 00:06:51,909
Kelly has a big math
test coming up.
131
00:06:51,910 --> 00:06:53,911
Now, me and the guys are
getting a pool together
132
00:06:53,912 --> 00:06:55,279
To guess her score.
133
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,848
Now, if I act fast,
I can cover 0-20,
134
00:06:57,849 --> 00:07:00,218
And we'll be rolling
in dough.
135
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:02,953
Put me down for 15.
136
00:07:02,954 --> 00:07:03,821
Right.
137
00:07:06,892 --> 00:07:08,426
Where's your jacket?
138
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:09,860
Oh, I lost it.
139
00:07:09,861 --> 00:07:11,496
You know, I liked
that one too.
140
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:13,297
Peg, did you hear this?
141
00:07:13,298 --> 00:07:14,598
What's a degree?
142
00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:17,801
[doorbell rings]
143
00:07:17,802 --> 00:07:20,738
Oh, please let it be
a homicidal maniac. Please.
144
00:07:22,641 --> 00:07:25,376
That's close enough.
145
00:07:25,377 --> 00:07:27,345
Al, I know
this is usually
146
00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:29,780
Encyclopedia britannica
hour at your house,
147
00:07:29,781 --> 00:07:31,782
But I was wondering if
you could spare a minute
148
00:07:31,783 --> 00:07:33,384
To pay for the window
your son broke.
149
00:07:33,385 --> 00:07:34,385
Wait a second, steve.
150
00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:35,853
What makes you think
bud did it?
151
00:07:35,854 --> 00:07:38,556
Well, it happened
right after I said to him,
152
00:07:38,557 --> 00:07:40,358
"hey, bud, aren't you
throwing those snowballs
153
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:41,926
A little close
to my house?"
154
00:07:41,927 --> 00:07:43,027
Bud?
155
00:07:43,028 --> 00:07:44,495
What have you got
to say for yourself?
156
00:07:45,897 --> 00:07:47,398
Kelly's failing english.
157
00:07:47,399 --> 00:07:48,799
I don't want
to hear it.
158
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,000
Now, you get
some scotch tape
159
00:07:50,001 --> 00:07:51,302
And a piece
of steve's newspaper,
160
00:07:51,303 --> 00:07:52,370
And you
tape up that window.
161
00:07:55,740 --> 00:07:56,740
Uh, al,
162
00:07:56,741 --> 00:07:58,276
As soothing
as the sound
163
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:02,113
Of wind whacking against
the sports section may be,
164
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:03,514
I was thinking
more along the lines
165
00:08:03,515 --> 00:08:05,116
Of 50 bucks
for a new window.
166
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:08,252
And I could use 60
for a new jacket.
167
00:08:08,253 --> 00:08:09,653
You know, steve,
I'm glad this happened.
168
00:08:09,654 --> 00:08:11,389
This came
at a perfect time.
169
00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:12,390
Winter?
170
00:08:12,391 --> 00:08:14,092
No.
171
00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:15,759
It's time bud learned
some responsibility.
172
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,562
You're going to learn
the value of a dollar.
173
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:19,063
You're going
to pay for his window
174
00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:20,398
And your jacket.
175
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:22,400
Al, why don't you just
give me the 50 bucks
176
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:23,601
And let bud
pay you back?
177
00:08:23,602 --> 00:08:24,835
Oh, no, steve.
178
00:08:24,836 --> 00:08:28,606
I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could throw him.
179
00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:30,308
Okay,
how about this?
180
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:31,709
It's six degrees
in my living room,
181
00:08:31,710 --> 00:08:33,311
And I think the
lesson's mine to learn.
182
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:34,512
I'll pay for
the window myself.
183
00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:35,713
Well, that's
fine for you, steve,
184
00:08:35,714 --> 00:08:38,249
But what's
in it for bud?
185
00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:39,484
Okay, I'll
give him 50 bucks
186
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,785
To forget
the whole thing.
187
00:08:41,786 --> 00:08:42,886
No deal.
188
00:08:42,887 --> 00:08:44,288
Now, bud, here's
what we're gonna do.
189
00:08:44,289 --> 00:08:46,290
You are going to learn
the value of a dollar.
190
00:08:46,291 --> 00:08:48,659
You're going to come to work
with me tomorrow.
191
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:49,827
But, dad, I have to--
192
00:08:49,828 --> 00:08:51,629
And after seeing what
I go through all day,
193
00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:53,564
You'll think twice
before you lose jackets,
194
00:08:53,565 --> 00:08:56,134
Break windows,
get married, have kids...
195
00:09:02,674 --> 00:09:06,076
Steve, what's a "tbls"?
196
00:09:07,912 --> 00:09:10,414
That's short for tablespoon.
197
00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:15,019
And someone's
supposed to know that?
198
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,824
Steve, did you know
our window is broken?
199
00:09:20,825 --> 00:09:22,560
Yes. Bud did it,
200
00:09:22,561 --> 00:09:23,561
I apologized,
201
00:09:23,562 --> 00:09:27,165
And they promised
to let me pay for it.
202
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:29,167
I'm going to go get
a new pane of glass.
203
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:30,168
You stay here.
204
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:31,269
It's safer.
205
00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:32,470
They never foul
their own nest.
206
00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:37,208
[peg sobs]
207
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:41,546
Peggy, what's wrong?
208
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:43,614
Can't you see?
209
00:09:43,615 --> 00:09:45,449
I'm baking.
210
00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:46,684
Look,
marcie.
211
00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:47,885
Look at what
they look like
212
00:09:47,886 --> 00:09:49,453
Before
they're cookies.
213
00:09:51,956 --> 00:09:54,392
I see you're making
chocolate chip.
214
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:55,393
Oh, no.
215
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:56,694
That one just
fell on the floor.
216
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,034
I don't belong
in the kitchen, marcie.
217
00:10:04,035 --> 00:10:07,137
I'm a woman, damn it.
218
00:10:07,138 --> 00:10:08,673
Let me help you.
219
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:12,677
Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.
220
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,512
How many do you need?
221
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:16,614
Oh, 800 or so.
222
00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:18,216
I want kelly
to be proud of me.
223
00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:19,517
Make it
an even thou.
224
00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:22,286
Uh, peggy?
225
00:10:25,924 --> 00:10:27,091
This hair...
226
00:10:27,092 --> 00:10:28,892
Do you want it
sticking out of the cookie,
227
00:10:28,893 --> 00:10:31,329
Or as a surprise
in the middle?
228
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,599
However they do it at bakeries.
229
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,300
Then you'll want it inside.
230
00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:42,406
So what do you
need these cookies for, anyway?
231
00:10:42,407 --> 00:10:44,141
Oh, it's
mother-daughter career day
232
00:10:44,142 --> 00:10:45,175
At kelly's school.
233
00:10:45,176 --> 00:10:46,577
Hmm. What are you
gonna wear?
234
00:10:46,578 --> 00:10:49,647
Why would I
go to career day?
235
00:10:49,648 --> 00:10:51,716
Well, you have a career.
236
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,217
You're a homemaker,
237
00:10:53,218 --> 00:10:55,986
And a homemaker is a very
undervalued profession.
238
00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:57,321
You should go and speak about
239
00:10:57,322 --> 00:10:59,490
The things
you do for your family, like...
240
00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:05,095
You did give birth, didn't you?
241
00:11:07,932 --> 00:11:09,533
I guess.
242
00:11:09,534 --> 00:11:11,835
You know, I was so deep under,
I could have laid eggs.
243
00:11:14,839 --> 00:11:18,709
Yes, well, steve and I
have a theory about that, but...
244
00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:22,446
Don't you think
kelly wants you to go?
245
00:11:22,447 --> 00:11:23,947
She's never asked me.
246
00:11:23,948 --> 00:11:25,916
Peggy...
247
00:11:25,917 --> 00:11:28,051
A lot of time, kids
don't come right out
248
00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:29,520
And ask for what
they really want.
249
00:11:29,521 --> 00:11:31,822
I know when I was
a young girl,
250
00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:33,591
I wanted a horse,
251
00:11:33,592 --> 00:11:36,093
So I started talking
about stirrups.
252
00:11:36,094 --> 00:11:41,098
My mother took me
to the gynecologist.
253
00:11:41,099 --> 00:11:42,500
So now, whenever
I see a western,
254
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:45,969
I have this urge to scootch
to the end of the table.
255
00:11:52,644 --> 00:11:54,345
Marcie, say
what you mean.
256
00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:56,714
I want a horsie,
damn it.
257
00:11:56,715 --> 00:11:57,915
Well,
that's not what I mean.
258
00:11:57,916 --> 00:11:58,916
What I mean is,
259
00:11:58,917 --> 00:12:00,184
No matter what she says,
260
00:12:00,185 --> 00:12:02,219
I'm sure kelly wants you
to come to career day.
261
00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:03,587
Hmm.
262
00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:06,290
You know, she has been acting
kind of strange lately.
263
00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:09,259
Why, just today, she asked me
to make her breakfast.
264
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:12,863
Gee, I wonder
what she really wanted.
265
00:12:12,864 --> 00:12:15,866
Oh, well. I guess
I'll ask her gynecologist.
266
00:12:17,469 --> 00:12:19,804
You know, maybe I should go
to that career day.
267
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:22,005
I hate to disappoint kelly.
268
00:12:22,006 --> 00:12:24,141
Oh, mom, have you
seen my sweater?
269
00:12:24,142 --> 00:12:26,510
Not now, I'm cooking!
270
00:12:26,511 --> 00:12:28,813
God, it never ends.
271
00:12:34,319 --> 00:12:35,853
[chattering]
272
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:54,071
Hi, mom. How's it going?
273
00:12:54,072 --> 00:12:55,406
Oh, fine.
274
00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:57,007
Fine!
275
00:12:57,008 --> 00:12:59,910
I mean, nobody's talking to me
or anything, but, uh...
276
00:12:59,911 --> 00:13:01,412
Actually, I shouldn't
say nobody.
277
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:02,813
A teacher gave me
detention
278
00:13:02,814 --> 00:13:05,082
For smoking
in the bathroom.
279
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:06,283
Oh, and the girls'
gym teacher
280
00:13:06,284 --> 00:13:08,051
Asked if I'd I like
to come over
281
00:13:08,052 --> 00:13:10,821
And we could
comb each other's hair.
282
00:13:10,822 --> 00:13:11,955
Well, if you go,
283
00:13:11,956 --> 00:13:13,557
She'll get you out
of that detention.
284
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,060
Look, kelly,
285
00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:18,462
I really thought
some of these kids
286
00:13:18,463 --> 00:13:20,264
Would come over
and ask me questions.
287
00:13:20,265 --> 00:13:21,965
I must be making you
look pretty bad
288
00:13:21,966 --> 00:13:22,966
In front
of your friends.
289
00:13:22,967 --> 00:13:25,102
Don't worry
about it, mom.
290
00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,570
Most of my friends
aren't even up yet.
291
00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:30,875
Well, I know that,
292
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:32,676
But I wanted you
to be proud of me,
293
00:13:32,677 --> 00:13:35,279
Like those other kids
are proud of their moms.
294
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,947
But you're not like
other moms.
295
00:13:36,948 --> 00:13:38,949
I mean, I knew that the
first day of kindergarten
296
00:13:38,950 --> 00:13:40,150
When I opened up
my lunchbox
297
00:13:40,151 --> 00:13:41,184
And found
a dollar bill
298
00:13:41,185 --> 00:13:45,589
And a road map
to burger king.
299
00:13:45,590 --> 00:13:47,257
I packed
that lunch myself.
300
00:13:49,394 --> 00:13:50,795
But you know,
I've been thinking,
301
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:52,596
There must be more
to being a good mom
302
00:13:52,597 --> 00:13:54,064
Than good nutrition.
303
00:13:54,065 --> 00:13:55,299
I mean, look,
304
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:57,234
Those other kids
are learning so much
305
00:13:57,235 --> 00:13:58,536
From the other moms.
306
00:13:58,537 --> 00:14:01,204
Hey. Those other moms
couldn't have taught me
307
00:14:01,205 --> 00:14:04,675
How to forge
dad's signature.
308
00:14:04,676 --> 00:14:07,044
Well, you know,
I can't take credit for that.
309
00:14:07,045 --> 00:14:10,514
Bud taught me,
and I passed it on to you.
310
00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:11,916
You're very good
at that, you know.
311
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:12,917
Thanks.
312
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,318
Why, your "al bundy"
is worth more
313
00:14:14,319 --> 00:14:17,220
Than the check
it's written on.
314
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:19,089
See, you've helped me
in a lot of ways.
315
00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:20,724
Do you remember
when I was 7
316
00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:21,725
And I was crying
317
00:14:21,726 --> 00:14:22,927
Because bobby shepin
liked terry mull
318
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:24,261
Just because
she was a blonde,
319
00:14:24,262 --> 00:14:25,896
And you ran right out
and bought me
320
00:14:25,897 --> 00:14:28,365
My first bottle
of bleach.
321
00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:32,202
Oh, I almost
forgot about that.
322
00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:35,272
Honey, what is
your real hair color?
323
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:38,609
I don't know.
324
00:14:38,610 --> 00:14:40,478
What color's yours?
325
00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:42,580
I don't know.
326
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:43,781
You know,
it's times like these
327
00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:46,750
I wish
we'd taken pictures.
328
00:14:46,751 --> 00:14:48,018
Oh, listen.
329
00:14:48,019 --> 00:14:50,821
Let's go have ourselves
a real mother-daughter day.
330
00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:52,222
We'll get some popcorn,
feed the pigeons,
331
00:14:52,223 --> 00:14:55,092
And then walk by
a construction site
332
00:14:55,093 --> 00:14:56,927
And make them
hoot like jackals.
333
00:14:56,928 --> 00:14:59,062
Too cool
for school, mom.
334
00:14:59,063 --> 00:15:01,198
Hey,
excuse me.
335
00:15:01,199 --> 00:15:02,232
What do you do?
336
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:04,034
Oh, uh,
337
00:15:04,035 --> 00:15:05,536
I don't know.
338
00:15:05,537 --> 00:15:07,671
Nothing, really.
339
00:15:07,672 --> 00:15:09,039
I watch tv.
340
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,708
Then how do you make money?
341
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:13,611
Easy.
My husband has a job.
342
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:15,112
He brings home
a paycheck,
343
00:15:15,113 --> 00:15:17,815
And what he doesn't
give to me, I take!
344
00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:19,583
Wow!
345
00:15:19,584 --> 00:15:22,185
Hey, becky, come here,
you gotta hear this.
346
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:27,992
Dad,
I had a math test today.
347
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:29,426
Why are you doing this?
348
00:15:29,427 --> 00:15:30,628
Al:
For once in your life
349
00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:31,629
I want you to see
350
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,030
What your dad
does all day long.
351
00:15:33,031 --> 00:15:35,032
[toilet flushes]
352
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,905
There, that's better.
353
00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:42,239
This is great,
isn't it?
354
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:46,810
Dad, tell me again
this lesson I'll never forget,
355
00:15:46,811 --> 00:15:49,013
Because I already know
how to go to the bathroom.
356
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:51,982
It's about responsibility, bud.
357
00:15:51,983 --> 00:15:53,784
You can't go through life
asking for money
358
00:15:53,785 --> 00:15:55,653
And not doing anything
to earn it.
359
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,922
Your mom already
cornered that market.
360
00:15:57,923 --> 00:16:00,123
I just want to show you
where the money comes from.
361
00:16:00,124 --> 00:16:02,560
Now, you remember
that 320-pound behemoth
362
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:04,795
That orbited her way
in here about an hour ago?
363
00:16:04,796 --> 00:16:08,766
The one with the chicken wing
between her teeth?
364
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:11,001
No, the other one.
365
00:16:11,002 --> 00:16:12,770
Now, that was a $20 sale.
366
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,505
That means a solid
$1.97 for me.
367
00:16:15,506 --> 00:16:17,608
After taxes, social security,
and your mom,
368
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:19,476
I just earned myself
a cool nickel.
369
00:16:22,346 --> 00:16:23,948
You know, I never
figured that out before.
370
00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:25,148
What the hell
am I doing?
371
00:16:25,149 --> 00:16:26,817
Other people
make money.
372
00:16:26,818 --> 00:16:28,218
Ah, but we're not
talking about me.
373
00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:29,920
We're talking about you.
374
00:16:29,921 --> 00:16:31,989
You're living
in a time of possibilities
375
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:33,490
For a young,
smart guy like you
376
00:16:33,491 --> 00:16:34,925
That are limitless.
377
00:16:34,926 --> 00:16:35,926
Why, you could--
378
00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:36,860
A nickel?
379
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,197
That's what I make?
380
00:16:40,198 --> 00:16:41,264
What the hell
keeps me going?
381
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,533
Dad, just--
382
00:16:43,534 --> 00:16:45,402
Now, wait a second, bud.
Dad needs a moment here.
383
00:16:47,038 --> 00:16:49,172
A nickel?
384
00:16:49,173 --> 00:16:50,207
That can't be right.
385
00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:52,710
It just can't be.
386
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:54,111
Ah, well,
the important thing
387
00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:56,146
Is that you learn
responsibility,
388
00:16:56,147 --> 00:16:57,147
And that your old dad
389
00:16:57,148 --> 00:16:58,749
Is a little more
than a ready teller
390
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:01,919
Who doles out money
anytime anybody asks.
391
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,053
Excuse me.
392
00:17:03,054 --> 00:17:05,656
Would you be able
to spare some cab fare?
393
00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:06,523
Absolutely.
394
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,628
You know,
cabs are dangerous these days.
395
00:17:10,629 --> 00:17:11,829
Let me get you a limo.
396
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,931
Gee, great.
397
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,365
[cash register rings]
398
00:17:15,366 --> 00:17:17,167
And who
might you be?
399
00:17:17,168 --> 00:17:19,402
I might be
the son of a rich man,
400
00:17:19,403 --> 00:17:20,570
But fate stepped in
401
00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:23,874
And dealt me
a tragic hand.
402
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,609
Don't talk to him.
He loses jackets.
403
00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:26,610
There you go.
404
00:17:26,611 --> 00:17:27,811
I'm sorry I had to ask,
405
00:17:27,812 --> 00:17:29,613
But would you believe it?
I lost my purse?
406
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:30,614
Al:
Oh, well,
407
00:17:30,615 --> 00:17:32,049
Let's retrace
your steps.
408
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:35,619
Let's go back to
your shower this morning.
409
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:38,588
Now, um...
410
00:17:38,589 --> 00:17:39,723
What were
you wearing?
411
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:40,791
Well, nothing.
412
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,325
Uh-huh.
413
00:17:42,326 --> 00:17:46,196
And what kind of soap
were you using?
414
00:17:46,197 --> 00:17:47,998
Dad, let me speak
to you for a second.
415
00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:49,667
I'm with a customer.
416
00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:50,534
Dad!
417
00:17:53,638 --> 00:17:55,005
I don't get this.
418
00:17:55,006 --> 00:17:57,507
I lost a jacket,
I got a lecture.
419
00:17:57,508 --> 00:17:59,409
She loses her purse,
she gets 20 bucks.
420
00:17:59,410 --> 00:18:01,278
How come I have
to learn responsibility
421
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:02,646
And she doesn't?
422
00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:04,915
Son, look at that.
423
00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:08,085
When you have
that kind of skill,
424
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:10,554
You don't
need responsibility.
425
00:18:10,555 --> 00:18:12,156
Bud, I got an idea.
426
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,157
Me too, dad.
427
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,158
No, no.
428
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,525
It's obvious to me
429
00:18:15,526 --> 00:18:17,527
That you're not going
to learn anything looking at me.
430
00:18:17,528 --> 00:18:20,030
I'm not looking at you,
dad.
431
00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:24,902
Well, then at least listen,
and don't block my view.
432
00:18:24,903 --> 00:18:27,771
Bud, you're going to have
the same thing I had as a kid.
433
00:18:27,772 --> 00:18:29,773
You're going to open
your own lemonade stand.
434
00:18:29,774 --> 00:18:32,042
Nothing better
on a hot day.
435
00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:33,911
Dad, it's 12
degrees.
436
00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:36,446
Then why are
we both sweating?
437
00:18:38,783 --> 00:18:39,883
All right,
who's next
438
00:18:39,884 --> 00:18:41,484
To lift the wallet
out of the pants?
439
00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:42,552
Oh!
440
00:18:42,553 --> 00:18:44,922
Okay, susan.
You try.
441
00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:46,289
Oh, no,
no, no.
442
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:48,192
You want to lift
with the right hand.
443
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:49,259
The left hand
444
00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:51,962
Is to hold the
pillow over his head.
445
00:18:51,963 --> 00:18:54,832
Uh, mom, a remote control
question over here?
446
00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:58,168
Oh, no, no, kimberly.
447
00:18:58,169 --> 00:19:00,437
You want to roll the bonbon
in your mouth.
448
00:19:00,438 --> 00:19:02,239
Roll it,
roll it.
449
00:19:03,674 --> 00:19:04,674
Yes?
450
00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:06,043
What if your husband
451
00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:08,879
Is watching something
stupid like sports,
452
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,048
And he has
the remote control?
453
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:14,317
Crowd:
Yeah. That's a good one.
454
00:19:14,318 --> 00:19:16,987
Ah.
An advanced question.
455
00:19:16,988 --> 00:19:18,789
This requires
planning.
456
00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:19,957
As I explained,
457
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:23,326
In the section
on how to use your tv guide,
458
00:19:23,327 --> 00:19:26,296
When you fold down the pages
of what you want to see,
459
00:19:26,297 --> 00:19:28,398
Scan for those
nasty sporting events
460
00:19:28,399 --> 00:19:30,533
That can kill
your evening.
461
00:19:30,534 --> 00:19:32,602
That day,
you set the channel
462
00:19:32,603 --> 00:19:33,904
For what you want,
463
00:19:33,905 --> 00:19:36,606
And then remove the batteries
from the remote control.
464
00:19:39,844 --> 00:19:40,978
Most men
465
00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:43,847
Will only push
a remote button four times
466
00:19:43,848 --> 00:19:45,415
Before giving up,
467
00:19:45,416 --> 00:19:47,918
And they won't get up
to change the station manually,
468
00:19:47,919 --> 00:19:50,320
Because they're
too tired from work.
469
00:19:54,492 --> 00:19:55,492
Judge spivak.
470
00:19:55,493 --> 00:19:56,593
What about meals?
471
00:19:56,594 --> 00:19:57,694
How do they get done?
472
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:01,364
Hello,
do you deliver?
473
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:07,370
So what you're saying
is that work is stupid.
474
00:20:07,371 --> 00:20:09,973
Just for women.
475
00:20:09,974 --> 00:20:11,241
No, what I'm saying
476
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:14,711
Is why should we age
and sweat and die early?
477
00:20:14,712 --> 00:20:15,879
That's what men are for!
478
00:20:17,715 --> 00:20:21,218
Gosh, kelly, your mom
is the greatest,
479
00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:23,586
And where did she learn
to make such good cookies?
480
00:20:23,587 --> 00:20:25,923
She tricked a neighbor
into baking them.
481
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:28,292
Oh, my gosh.
Everybody, did you hear that?
482
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:30,660
She tricked a neighbor
into making these cookies.
483
00:20:30,661 --> 00:20:32,996
All chanting:
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
484
00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:34,798
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
485
00:20:34,799 --> 00:20:36,333
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
486
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:41,872
I couldn't believe
that astronaut.
487
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:42,940
Forty years old,
488
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:46,710
And she didn't even know
who oprah was.
489
00:20:46,711 --> 00:20:48,912
Spend some time
on earth, lady.
490
00:20:51,782 --> 00:20:52,816
You know, mom,
491
00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,319
When I grow up, I want
to be just like you.
492
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,321
I want to do nothing.
I want to be nothing.
493
00:20:59,557 --> 00:21:02,893
Oh, kelly,
you make me so proud.
494
00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:04,127
I just
wish your father
495
00:21:04,128 --> 00:21:06,696
Could be here
to hear that.
496
00:21:06,697 --> 00:21:08,531
What are they doing
selling lemonade?
497
00:21:08,532 --> 00:21:10,667
It must be
five below out there.
498
00:21:10,668 --> 00:21:12,469
Oh, it's something
about a lesson.
499
00:21:12,470 --> 00:21:14,271
I couldn't
really understand bud.
500
00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:16,740
He had a lemon
stuck to his lips.
501
00:21:20,478 --> 00:21:22,179
What happened to bud?
502
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:25,548
Ah, he's
a little grumpy.
503
00:21:25,549 --> 00:21:27,817
Mr. Erickson was running
his snow blower.
504
00:21:27,818 --> 00:21:30,220
It sucked up a quarter,
shot it across the street,
505
00:21:30,221 --> 00:21:32,689
Hit bud in the head.
506
00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:33,823
There ya go!
507
00:21:33,824 --> 00:21:34,958
I told you
508
00:21:34,959 --> 00:21:36,760
If you put these lemons
under a little fire,
509
00:21:36,761 --> 00:21:37,761
They'd fall right out.
510
00:21:37,762 --> 00:21:40,563
You're the
greatest, dad.
511
00:21:40,564 --> 00:21:43,000
Save me
from this man.
512
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:44,034
Some other time, bud.
513
00:21:44,035 --> 00:21:45,502
I'm taking kelly shopping.
514
00:21:47,405 --> 00:21:48,605
Oh, look, mom.
515
00:21:48,606 --> 00:21:50,107
This quarter
fell off bud's head.
516
00:21:50,108 --> 00:21:51,708
We can use it
for the parking meter.
517
00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:52,742
No, no,
518
00:21:52,743 --> 00:21:55,345
We have
an out-of-order sign for that.
519
00:21:55,346 --> 00:21:57,814
But I know, we can use it
to buy lemonade at the mall.
520
00:22:01,986 --> 00:22:03,787
Hey, mom, you want
to buy bud a jacket?
521
00:22:03,788 --> 00:22:06,456
What for?
He's inside now.
522
00:22:10,194 --> 00:22:13,863
Well, I think you learned
a couple of valuable lessons.
523
00:22:13,864 --> 00:22:15,065
Number one,
524
00:22:15,066 --> 00:22:18,068
Never suck on a lemon
when it's 5 degrees.
525
00:22:18,069 --> 00:22:19,702
Number two,
look at yourself.
526
00:22:19,703 --> 00:22:21,104
You're cold,
you're hungry,
527
00:22:21,105 --> 00:22:22,739
You're beginning
to stoop.
528
00:22:22,740 --> 00:22:25,309
You earned a quarter
and the women took it.
529
00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:27,411
Congratulations, bud.
530
00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:29,146
Today, you are a man.
531
00:22:42,493 --> 00:22:44,061
[♪]